TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Everybody a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he need to end applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a function currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following obtaining the making's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 18% reported "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage can even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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